Mommy Guilt

When Fox first began showing signs of being delayed and he started the process of being evaluated and diagnosed, I was told by someone very close to me that "if anything is wrong with him it's your fault, because you're the one home with him every day". Nice, right? Way to add to my already mounting mommy guilt. During all of my pregnancies I always did everything by the book... and even went overboard in some respects to make absolute certain I gave my kids the best start. In a word, I was paranoid. I didn't eat deli meat, wouldn't take any medications, was diligent with my prenatal vitamins, switched to sulfate free shampoos and body washes, gave up all caffeine, had no epidural, breastfed for a year... you name it, I did it. Deep down I try to know that it was nothing I did or didn't do, but I can't help but wonder sometimes if there was anything I could have done differently that would have changed anything. Is it because I had to be induced with pitocin? Or because I got him vaccinated? I did eat a slice of turkey one time, maybe that was it? Maybe I hadn't read to him enough? Had he not received enough attention being the 3rd baby? Was that one shower too hot? Or maybe I didn't eat enough salmon or other Omega 3s? Was it the fumes from the occasional manicures I got? If only I hadn't done this or that... then maybe things would be different. It's an awful feeling and a horrible, destructive mental path to go down, though I can't help it sometimes. And then I get slapped with a comment like the one above... getting blame from someone else... and I can't help but wonder if that is what everyone thinks. Not a good feeling. I think as moms we try so hard to give our children every possible advantage, that when something doesn't go according to "plan" we beat ourselves up over it, even though it was out of our hands to begin with. We want answers. We want to know why things went one way or another. And without concrete answers or explanations, that most of the time we will never get, we shoulder the weight of it and blame ourselves. And of course it certainly doesn't help when others are blaming us as well. I've gotten better, and I do tell myself that it was nothing I could've possibly changed, but there is likely always going to be that tiny part of "what if", always tucked away inside.

xo Betsy