Mommy Guilt

When Fox first began showing signs of being delayed and he started the process of being evaluated and diagnosed, I was told by someone very close to me that "if anything is wrong with him it's your fault, because you're the one home with him every day". Nice, right? Way to add to my already mounting mommy guilt. During all of my pregnancies I always did everything by the book... and even went overboard in some respects to make absolute certain I gave my kids the best start. In a word, I was paranoid. I didn't eat deli meat, wouldn't take any medications, was diligent with my prenatal vitamins, switched to sulfate free shampoos and body washes, gave up all caffeine, had no epidural, breastfed for a year... you name it, I did it. Deep down I try to know that it was nothing I did or didn't do, but I can't help but wonder sometimes if there was anything I could have done differently that would have changed anything. Is it because I had to be induced with pitocin? Or because I got him vaccinated? I did eat a slice of turkey one time, maybe that was it? Maybe I hadn't read to him enough? Had he not received enough attention being the 3rd baby? Was that one shower too hot? Or maybe I didn't eat enough salmon or other Omega 3s? Was it the fumes from the occasional manicures I got? If only I hadn't done this or that... then maybe things would be different. It's an awful feeling and a horrible, destructive mental path to go down, though I can't help it sometimes. And then I get slapped with a comment like the one above... getting blame from someone else... and I can't help but wonder if that is what everyone thinks. Not a good feeling. I think as moms we try so hard to give our children every possible advantage, that when something doesn't go according to "plan" we beat ourselves up over it, even though it was out of our hands to begin with. We want answers. We want to know why things went one way or another. And without concrete answers or explanations, that most of the time we will never get, we shoulder the weight of it and blame ourselves. And of course it certainly doesn't help when others are blaming us as well. I've gotten better, and I do tell myself that it was nothing I could've possibly changed, but there is likely always going to be that tiny part of "what if", always tucked away inside.

xo Betsy

School & Evaluations

This month has been full of evaluations and meetings for Fox... 10 to be exact... not counting his daily (and sometimes twice daily) therapies. Lets just say mama has been busy! All of this is to figure out a plan for him for school this fall. It looks like he will be going to the inclusion preschool program in town, which was the goal, but our "big meeting" on August 2nd will determine this for sure. That is when we will formulate a plan to get him the services and help he needs in order to succeed and have a good school experience. The evaluations we have had show that while we have seen some progress, he is still extremely delayed in some areas. I was thinking the other day about how this is my "new normal"... I don't remember any more what the girls were like at almost 3 years old, and I really don't have a firm grasp on what a typical child is like at 3 years old... I'm just so used to Fox and how he is. I think it makes me forget sometimes all the issues that we still have going on with him. I think if I saw him playing with a typical child his own age I would be shocked at the differences. Thankfully, the one issue we really don't have is behavior problems. There are some moments of frustration when he tries to say something and I don't understand him, but hopefully that will get better with time. In general he is so incredibly sweet, cuddly & loving... and, while he does misbehave sometimes (he is a 2 year old boy afterall!), he gets very upset when he realizes he did something wrong... such a sweetheart. Below are the results of his evaluations:

Autism Evaluation (VB-MAPPS): Showed his socialization skills are still at a 0-18 month old level. There was a lot more to this evaluation but the scores I was sent are very difficult to interpret, and I will be asking more about them at the upcoming meeting.

Occupational Therapy: While he has improved skills in some areas, his needs are: below average grasping skills, probable difference range for poor registration & sensory sensitivity and definite difference range (needs the most help) for sensory seeking, low endurance/tone, inattention & distractability.

Physical Therapy: Quick summary with his percentiles...stationary skills: 16%, locomotion skills: 16% and object manipulation: 25%. His overall gross motor skills put him in the 13th percentile, which obviously is way below average. I'm a little surprised he didn't do better in this area, because he actually just qualified out of receiving physical therapy through early intervention.

Speech: This is where he still needs the most work... by far. Fox scored under the 5th percentile for articulation. Ugh. Some of the testing they couldn't even do because he can't make a lot of sounds. This is so frustrating because we have been working with him so hard, for so long in this area, yet he still doesn't talk much at all. The good news is that his receptive language skills (what he understands) were in the average range at 53% - yay! He also scored way above average (4 - 5 year old range!!!) with understanding object use, analogies, colors, quantitative concepts and spatial concepts... and at the 6 year old range (!!!) for being able to identify letters!!!


This meeting on August 2nd is going to be a big one, and will set the stage for his entire coming year. The one thing I'm going to really push for is for him to have an aide with him at all times. He can't talk and can't communicate his needs, so I think it is important for him to have someone there dedicated just to him. I also just can't imagine him riding the bus alone, etc. I even worry about him on the playground... he is a hider, and I have this picture in my head of everyone else being called inside and Fox hiding under the slide and staying out there alone. I don't think it's something they will offer, and I may have to fight a bit for it, but I just don't feel comfortable sending him completely by himself. Mama Bear is coming out on this one, and I'm nervous about it... wish us luck! 

xo Betsy